Crabapple
Written for Radio New Zealand storytime with Constable Keith and Sniff.
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, there lived a cranky old witch called Crab-Apple.
Crab-Apple was three-hundred and twenty seven years old, which is even older than the old lady down the road.
She had long grey hair that hung all the way to her belly-button and spiders had spun their webs in it. And her nose, which was very good at smelling, was long and pointed and covered in warts.
Crab-Apple lived in a scary old cottage in the middle of the woods. She was not a happy witch because she was always doing really mean things to people but she liked it that way.
One day when the sun was shining really hard, a little bird called Harold flew over the cottage and, by accident, sat on the cottage roof. It was such a nice day that Harold didn’t notice the cottage was scary and he started to sing.
“Tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp, what a lovely day it is,” he sang.
Crab-Apple was in the kitchen crunching on fried chicken toes for breakfast and she heard the song.
“Aaaaaargh!” she screamed spitting the chickens’ toes onto the floor. “How dare anybody be so happy near me, I’ll get you” and she jumped on to her broomstick and flew straight up the chimney.
Harold got such a fright that he fell right off the roof and hurt his bottom on the ground. But Crab-Apple didn’t see him, which was very lucky for Harold because Crab-Apple also ate little birds and she liked them very much.
She kept going up, up, up into the sky higher and higher looking for the horrible singer. She flew so high that she ended up in heaven where there were some angels practicing their harp playing.
“Aaaaaargh,” screamed Crab-Apple and she zapped a powerful zap to sizzle them up. But the zap bounced off the angels’ harps and flew straight back at Crab-Apple knocking her off her broom.
Down, down, down she fell, splash, into the middle of a huge lake.
“Help! I can’t swim” yelled Crab-Apple and all of the spiders in her hair yelled too!
“Help us! Help us!” they yelled. Then they remembered that they could make parachutes out of their webs, so they did and they all floated away and left Crab-Apple alone in the water.
She had lots of heavy witches clothes on she sank very quickly.
Luckily a fish called Ping-Pong was swimming past just then. She got an awfully big fright and started to swim away very quickly but Crab-Apple blew out “S.O.S” in morse bubbles which luckily Ping-Pong understood because she lived in a school and was very clever.
Ping-Pong grabbed Crab-Apple and pulled her to the shore. Crab-Apple crawled out of the water and said thank you very much to Ping-Pong and Ping-Pong said “That’s okay, but be very careful because a horridible troll called Grunt around here sometimes, and you wouldn’t want to meet him,” then she swam away.
Crab-Apple was very tired from all of her sinking and she walked over to a grassy bit on the bank. Her boots squished and squashed as she walked and her clothes went flap, swi-thap, swi-thap and made stingy marks on her legs so she took them off and hung them in the sunshine to dry and then sat down beside them. She had hardly any clothes on at all, except her bloomers with frills on the legs and her green and black striped singlet with holes in it.
It was a lovely day.
“What a revolting day” said Crab-Apple, “look at all that revolting sunshine. I want my scary cottage and my fried chickens toes,” and she burst into tears and cried herself to sleep.
When she woke up all of her skin had turned red from too much sun.
“Ow” said Crab-Apple, “all of my skin has turned red from too much sun,” and she stood up and turned to get her clothes, but they were gone!
“Oh no!” said Crab-Apple, “My clothes are gone!” She was very embarrassed and ran behind a bush to hide.
“Hey look out! You almost trod on my tail” said a voice.
“Ah! Who’s there?” said Crab-Apple, “Don’t look, I’ve got hardly any clothes on at all!”
“Oh, you haven’t either” said the voice laughing, “don’t you look funny, ha, ha, ha.”
Crab-Apple looked down and saw a big green cat, with eyes as pink as candy floss standing laughing at her.
“Do you always walk around with hardly any clothes on at all?” it managed to ask through its laughter.
“No, my clothes were stolen” said Crab-Apple and she sniffled and tried not to cry. “What are you doing here?”
“Well I’m really a mouse. A horrible troll called Grunt turned me into a cat and stole my whiskers and I cant break the spell until I get my whiskers back, so I’m following him. Hey maybe he stole your clothes too!”
Crab-Apple stopped sniffling and looked at the cat.
“Do you think so?”
“I don’t know” said the cat, “but that is the sort of thing he does. Do you want to help me find him?”
“Okay!” said Crab-Apple and she stood up and wiped her eyes and her nose because it was snotty from crying and she held out her hand, “I’m Crab-Apple, the wickedest, meanest witch in the world.”
“Hi! I’m Jasper” said the Cat and she held out her paw, “but if you’ll pardon my rudeness you don’t look like a particularly mean witch to me.”
Crab-Apple looked like she was going to cry again.
“Well, may-be you look a bit scary” said Jasper and Crab-Apple brightened up and said how about lunch and Jasper thought that was a really good idea and said how about some fish from the lake because now she was a cat she was really good at fishing.
“Oh no!” said Crab-Apple “you can’t do that, there was a fish and she saved my life!” so they didn’t. Instead they had a lovely lunch of nuts and berries that they collected from the bushes around the lake.
After lunch they set off through the forest. Jasper had her nose to the ground, sniff, sniffing, with her big green tail sticking straight up in the air like a flagpole. Up hills they went and back down again and across lots of fields following the tracks of Grunt the Troll. Crab-Apple trotted along trying hard to look mean and wicked and tough.
All along the track there were squashed trees and squashed bugs and bits of spit and snot and smelly tufts of orange hair so they knew they were on the right track.
They walked and they walked and they walked and after not too long it started to get very dark.
“It’s getting very dark” said Jasper.
“Yes it is,” said Crab-Apple.
“Are you tired?” said Jasper.
“Just a teensy-weensy bit” said Crab-Apple and she yawned a really big yawn.
Just then they turned the corner and there was a lovely little cottage with lovely little fluffy white curtains in the window and wee puffs of white smoke coming out of the chimney.
“Lets go and knock on the door,” said Jasper.
“Oh no, oh no I can’t do that,” said Crab-Apple “I’ve got hardly any clothes on at all, just my bloomers and singlet with holes in it.”
“That’s okay,” said a voice, “you can come and stay with us.”
Crab-Apple and Jasper jumped in fright and looked behind them and there was a chicken.
“You can come and stay with us,” it said, “My name is Pickaboo and I live in the chicken coop and there’s plenty of room because it was Christmas last week.”
“Gee, thank you very much,” said Jasper.
Crab-Apple smiled and licked her lips and tried not to think about fried chickens toes.
They had a lovely chicken supper of bran and oatmeal cakes and then all sat around the fire and roasted worms on sticks and told scary stories but the scariest one at all was about GRUNT THE TROLL!
When it was very dark Pickaboo showed them a spare chicken-coop and Crab-Apple and Jasper curled up close to each other for warmth and went to sleep. All night Crab-Apple dreamed of fried chickens toes and trolls that wanted to eat her up.
In the morning when the sun was shining really hard Crab-Apple and Jasper woke up and went out into the chicken yard. Pickaboo gave them some chicken milk on their oatmeal for breakfast and then they all said goodbye.
“Goodbye and be careful” said Pickaboo.
“Goodbye Pickaboo” said Jasper and Crab-Apple and they waved as they walked away, “thank you.”
Jasper had her nose to the ground and her tail in the air and Crab-Apple trotted along beside her but she didn’t really look so mean and wicked and tough anymore. In fact she was feeling a bit squishy and happy and even just the teensiest weensiest bit scared.
They walked and walked and walked for a very long time, along the road, through some big woods and past a really big mountain, and all of the time they walked they saw signs that Grunt had been there!
“Grunt has squashed everything. He must be very wicked mustn’t he Jasper?” said Crab-Apple, trying not to sound scared.
“Yes he must be” said Jasper shaking just a little bit.
Finally they came to a horrifically stinky looking bog that was full of toads and dragonflies and had a big cave beside it with a big, heavy, dirty chain on the door.
Jasper walked straight up to the door.
“We’ve found him” said Jasper.
“Have we?” said Crab-Apple, not sounding very happy.
They both stood and looked at the door.
“Do you think we should pull the chain?” said Jasper.
“Um, okay” said Crab-Apple and she pulled the chain. A big bonging sound rang through the bog and scared all of the toads and dragonflies away.
“Who’s that ringing my bell, go away I’ve got a head-ache” boomed a voice and big heavy footsteps walked up to the door. The door slowly swung open.
A big hairy troll was standing there. He was twenty feet tall. His legs and arms were as thick as busses, he had six eyes, twenty five really sharp teeth and a strip of purple hair that ran all the way through the middle of his head and down his back. It was Grunt.
He looked at Jasper and Crab-Apple.
“It must be breakfast time,” said Grunt and he licked his lips.
Jasper walked straight up to him and swished her tail.
“You’ve got my whiskers and Crab-Apples clothes and we want them back” she said.
Grunt threw back his head and laughed a wicked and powerful laugh that just about knocked Crab-Apple and Jasper over because he had such bad breath.
“Ha, ha ha” he laughed, “and what are you going to do if I don’t give them back?”
Jasper wasn’t quite sure because they hadn’t talked about that so she just stood and looked ferocious. But quick as lightening Grunt grabbed Jasper and Crab-Apple and put both them in his pocket.
“Yum, fried witches toes with cat stuffing for breakfast, followed by ground bones mixed with lemonade for my headache, my favorite,” said Grunt.
“Quick do some magic ” said Jasper.
“I can’t” said Crab-Apple, “My spells are in my witches clothes.”
“Oh no” said Jasper, “What are we going to do?”
They heard Grunt close the door and walk back into his cave. Then Jasper and Crab-Apple where pulled out of his pocket and thrown into a deep dark dungeon.
“Boohoohoo” cried Crab-Apple “What are we going to do? It’s all my fault for being so mean and wicked. Boohoohoo.”
“Don’t cry,” said Jasper.
“No don’t cry,” said a voice, “you’re getting me all wet.”
Jasper and Crab-Apple looked down and saw a small spider called Webtail sitting on the floor beside them, wiping his fur.
“What are you doing here?” said Webtail, “I don’t get many visitors.”
Jasper told him all about the clothes and the spell and the whiskers and Crab-Apple dried her tears and snotty nose.
“I know where your things are,” cried Webtail, “stay here and I will get them for you.”
Oh, thank you – please hurry,” said Crab-Apple.
Webtail ran away as fast as he could to where Grunt was having a bath before he ate Crab-Apple and Jasper. He slipped inside the Grunt’s shirt pocket and pulled out a key. It was a very heavy key but he pulled it out and all the way up the stairs. Clank, clunk it went. Finally Webtail came to a big cupboard door. He heard Grunt pull the plug out of the bath. And down in the dungeon Crab-Apple and Jasper shivered and shook.
“Hurry Webtail, please hurry,” said Jasper and Crab-Apple.
Webtail got the cupboard door open and he grabbed Crab-Apples witches’ clothes and Jasper’s whiskers. Gripping them in his teeth he pulled them back down the stairs. They were very very heavy.
Grunt the troll was dressed and ready for breakfast. Down in the dungeon Crab-Apple and Jasper heard Grunt light the fire.
“Hurry Webtail hurry” called Jasper.
Grunt walked down the steps to the dungeon. Thump, thump, thump went his hairy feet and Crab-Apple and Jasper could hear him coming and they were crying and shaking.
“Where is Webtail he’s going to be too late,” cried Crab-Apple.
Just then Webtail came around the corner in front of the troll and he raced into the dungeon.
“Here, quick, put your clothes on,” said Webtail and just as Grunt unlocked the dungeon door Crab-Apple put her clothes on.
“Hurrah!” cried Webtail and Jasper.
Crab-Apple raised up her wicked witchy hands and cast a really monsteriffic spell on Grunt to turn him into a big glob of snot. Pow! zap! kaboomf! went the spell and Grunt disappeared and in his place there was a beautiful big purple pansy!
“Oh no” said Crab-Apple and she blushed and giggled, “I guess all my wickedness has gone.”
And Webtail and Jasper and Crab-Apple laughed and they danced around the pansy. Then Jasper got her whiskers back and turned back into a beautiful green mouse and Crab-Apple found a broom and taught it how to fly and they all hopped on and flew back to Crab-Apples cottage in the woods.
They were so happy to see it that they cleaned it all up and made it spick and span and Crab-Apple changed her name to Apple-Blossom and wore pink fluffy clothes and pink frilly knickers and she decided to be a fairy instead of a wicked witch. And they found Harold the bird and said he was welcome to come and sing whenever he wanted to and then they all sat down to a lovely supper of rose petal-soup and honey-dew fizz and sang songs and lived happily ever after.
By Mira Mee
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